Day 3: Depression

Hello Depression, my old friend.

Lawdy, I'm on day 3 without a cig and that's the first time I can say that for a long time. So I guess that makes this one of my more serious attempts. I won't celebrate until I reach day 7 (that's my record thus far) and beyond, but I am starting to feel some momentum pick up. I'm feeling a little strength to this resolve, even if it's not much. The first two days are always ricketty and unsure. By the time day 3 rolls around, though, you know I'm serious about this attempt.

But along with day 3 (or rather the last part of day 2 actually), comes good old depression. It hit me last night in bed, actually. A deep cut in an old wound, grunging up feelings that I had laid to rest a long time ago. The impending doom, clouding over my head. It was not a good feeling. I woke up this morning in a somewhat better state, but now it's cloudy head time. Now it's impending WOE IS ME time.

I think I cycle through the stages of grief when I quit smoking.

At first it's denial...haha, I've been struggling with this? Lord this'll be EASY. I'm so disgusted with this habit.

Then anger...hey, wait a minute here. I didn't think you were serious! I hate the world! Fuck all y'all!

Then bargaining....hey, ok, look. Just have one. Just smoke a cigar man, a cigar isn't a habit. You can do that once in a while. Just cut back. That's all you need to do is cut back to like a half pack a day like when you first started. You can control this habit. You can!

Then depression....Ok man, seriously, this has gone on long enough. Give me a cigarette or I am going to make you wanna jump off a damn bridge. No more Mr. Nice Guy here, you and I go back a long ways...9 years....don't fuck with me. I'm your oldest most closest friend! Your crutch! How will you live without me??? How will you make it??? You won't! You won't. You'll be back you fucker. Oh yeah, you'll be back once I tweak up this UNENDING PAIN AND CLOUD OF DEPRESSION on your ass.

Where are you acceptance? Are you out there? I call on you now. Maybe that's like day 8 or 9? Fuck....