So, this morning I finally broke down and bought a pack. I swore I wasn't going to buy another pack, but I did.
Of suckers.
Guess I'm going to need a patch for that too.
Uttering the words "day 5" means that this is my second best attempt yet to quit smoking. It also means that, since I haven't had the patch on since Monday, that this is starting the 4th day without nicotine in my body. Which means that at this point, all the nicotine and the toxins should be officially swept out of my body (or mostly so) and that the physical addiction has been beaten.
Now, at this point, it becomes purely a mind game. The physical addiction is easy to beat. That's never been a huge problem for me. It's always been in my head. I've always psyched myself out of it. I've always allowed myself to crumble in a moment of weakness. And I'm not sure how long the mind battle will last. I suspect that it could last as long as a month or two, and that even for a couple of weeks that it will be rough.
I've been spending my time going through why I feel depression when I quit. I've spent the past two nights crying myself to sleep thinking about things I don't want to think about anymore. I've been writing like a banshee both by hand and on the computer. I keep imagining a life without cigarettes and the thought is both relief and fear at the same time. I feel strong and weak at the same time.
I imagine being able to run through the woods or along the street by the river without stopping to suck in air. I imagine being able to eat a meal at a restaraunt and not have to worry about wanting a cigarette immediately after. I imagine how my car is going to smell, once I scrub the absolute shit out of it to try and get the smell that is gagging me out of it. I imagine no longer having to hypocritically tell my kids how terrible smoking is for them while they are watching me take a drag. I imagine taking the money I save and putting it into savings and using it to fund a vacation every year. I imagine the reduction of the price in my insurance by signing the affidavit in 6 months. I imagine the steak dinner I told myself I was going to get myself if I made it until tonight. I imagine...I imagine...and I imagine.
And each day that dream gets a little stronger and my desire gets a little weaker. Each day I begin to believe that this just may be the time. This may be it. And that makes me giddy.
But each day my addiction reminds me that it's not going to go down easy. I'm not going to be able to just ignore it away. I am going to have to fight it each and every time or it's going to get inside my head as it's done before.
Right now, there is a little war going on inside of me. Strong and weak is how I feel. But I've always believed that our greatest weakness bring out our greatest strengths. I'm waiting for that strength to arrive.
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"Now, at this point, it becomes purely a mind game....I suspect that it could last as long as a month or two, and that even for a couple of weeks that it will be rough."
ReplyDeleteIt will ALWAYS be a mind game, and this is something you can never forget. Luckily, the game gets easier the longer you play. It takes 28 days to break a habit and this is truth. It takes an infinite amount of time, however, to never go back for just one little taste. That one little taste will land you right back on your ass at square one. I have talked to ex-smokers of 20 years who still occasionally get cravings.
I think this is why counseling should be mandatory for us when we quit. We have to learn ways to cope with whatever junk we've got that makes us use cigarettes as a crutch in the first place. Otherwise, it just comes out somewhere else. (Binge eating, alcohol, internet or gambling addictions, etc.)
P.S. You done good.
Yey Vipes, I'm proud of you....what brand and flavor of sucker are you indulging on btw? LOL Gak, I know this battle all too well too..I recall the numerous failed attempts...I firmly believe its all about timing. When you're "READY" to quit you will. And I think you're finally ready....whatever the catalyst may be that got you here, fine...FINE...but that aside, that catalyst was always there, but your mental preparedness is what made this happen this time.
ReplyDeleteTrue, day 5 isn't out of the woods just yet, but there certainly is a hint of tourquoise, a peak of gold, and a sliver of white and orange in all that bleak blackness along our private path thru the dense trees. Its there up front, providing some horizon. And that's good. While we can ponder all the vices we might trade for this one we're trying to give up, its counter-productive to do so. Yeah, yeah, so what, I gained like 18THOUSAND pounds since I quit 3-4 years ago...but by golly I feel oodles better not succumbing to those fucking chemical soaked wands of fiberglass, crusty leaves and paper. "Small moves Ellie"...that's what the dad said on the movie Contact teaching his young daughter patience in talking to the stars.
And yes, even now, some, 3-4 years later like I said, I still get cravings. The smoking became such a routine with deeply planted roots in my daily existance...Its hard to change your routine of every waking moment of every day. But you do it. Even now, I come across an event in my life that I've yet to revisit since being a reformed smoker...an event where I'd be smoking in the past. It could be a road trip without my daughter down a specific road...and out of nowhere I'll crave one. Its weird...but its the imprint in our brains that associate a time and a place to a particular activity. Don't panick at these moments. They will be frequent and ANNOYING at first and will only happen occasionally after that...but just be prepared...they WILL happen.
Something I told myself when I was quitting was kinda similar to AA. If I cave and just have ONE measley cigarette NOW, all my wonderful progress....my proverbial notches on my belt of days without, it all starts back at square one if I cave and just have one. Nobody else cares if I just have one and never look back but I care. It mattered to me...I want my 5days, my 10 days, my 23 days to count; I want my imaginary token. I didn't wanna say, ok, well it WOULDA been 50 days but I fucked up in the middle and now its REALLY only 12. I didn't want to be having that conversation with myself.
Anyways...suck away, and keep on goin, you're doing great!!!