Cigarettes Anonymous

Heh, sorry this has overtaken my blog lately but the only way I know how to work through negative feelings right now is to write through them. It's my only line of defense for dealing with that kind of stuff, so here goes.

I think it's important that somebody quitting a habit make sure they understand WHY they are quitting so that they can quit for good. It makes no viable sense to me to quit smoking only to pick it up a year or two later. Maybe someday I'll understand how that happens, but for right now I think it happens when people:

1. Know they NEED to quit smoking
2. Use willpower or medication or aids to actually QUIT smoking

But never actually look at WHY they were smoking in the first place. Why they started. Why they continued. So I want to look at that here. Actually, I'm going to take the 12 steps from AA and cater them toward my habit and see what I come up with. Another writing exercise to commence.

The 12 Steps of AA

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

--Ok, I can do that much. I mean the fact that I can barely make it 2 days without a cigarette is proof enough that this addiction has rendered me powerless. I'm not even going to pretend I can control this habit. It controls me. It's always controlled me. From the moment I inhaled for the first time until now...a string of 9 long years I've been chained to a pack of cigarettes in some way. But I always found money for them, even at the expense of my own family's needs. Powerless? You bet I am powerless to this.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

--I believe that a power greater than just willpower is needed. Willpower will only last so long. A day, a month, a year even. Willpower is what people who quit and then pick it back up and then quit again use. I think to truly overcome an addiction we have to admit the full affects of that addiction, have a strong desire to quit, and have a strong desire to mend up the reasons why we do it in the first place. I believe in a power greater than myself, but it's not "God" as most would know him. I believe it's the power and drive and determination to be better in a world full of shit and pain and misery. It's a "spirit" so to speak that exists in each and every one of us. I call it God, of course, but not an angry OT God.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

--Sorry, but I think this one is a cop out. It's way too easy to say "Here God, I made a mess of my life come and fix me." I got myself into my own mess and I'll get myself out of it. Even if I DO believe in God I believe that he wants me to take responsibility for my actions.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Here's the good stuff. Moral inventory....why did I start smoking in the first place? Why did I continue when I knew it would hook me and be difficult to quit? And why am I still wanting to do it right now?

I started smoking out of curiosity. I had just turned 18 and it was legal for me to buy them and I had a brother who smoked and a mother who smoked and I was curious to see what the big deal was. I bought a pack of cigs, smoked one or two and thought they tasted ok, but I never inhaled. So I threw the rest of them away. THen I had a friend who used to smoke swisher sweet cigars, so I was constantly bumming one off of him. I loved the taste. And when he told me I needed to start inhaling, I finally understood why people smoked. Walking around with a buzz, almost a headache. Floating on cloud 9 after that first pack seriously altered my state. I bought another pack of cigarettes, Marlboro Reds, and boom...started inhaling and realized how much better it was.

Why did I continue? My parents discovered that I was smoking not very long after that. I hid it from everybody (because at the time I was still fighting to get away from church). I was still labeled as a "goody goody" and I so desperately wanted to drop that image. Smoking was a way to do that. Smoking was a way for me to stand up to my parents and tell them that this was my life and that I was going to do what I wanted to do. Smoking was a way for me to grow up....a crutch for me to find my own independence.

Then it didn't take long for it to become a necessity. In a marriage that was crap, it became a way to relieve tension, to avoid my ex-wife and the arguements, and to just do something relaxing on my own. I can't remember how many arguements I walked away from to go smoke, and how angry that used to make her. I put smoking before her. I put smoking before everything. It was a constant chain of...when am I going to be able to get my next cigarette? How lame is that...to be afraid of a long trip or drive in a car you can't smoke in. Or a meeting or class that goes on forever....Everything becomes about grabbing that next smoke...that next cig. And it's relief. Relief from the unhappiness of life. Relief from the hard stuff. A way to avoid. A way to remove. A way to take.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I am sorry, A, for walking away from our arguements to smoke a cig.
I am sorry, J&A, for smoking while you were in the car.
I am sorry, J&A, for smoking in my apartment and putting your health at risk.
But most of all, I apologize to myself for fighting to keep a habit that has been destroying me since I have started it. I apologize to myself for not being strong enough to do this sooner. I apologize to myself for not taking care of my body, for damaging my lungs to the point where I can't hardly walk without getting out of breath anymore, for damaging my teeth. And I apologize to anybody who has unwittingly ever had to inhale my smoke.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Another cop out. "God rescue me" syndrome. Fuck that. I can pray for strength, I can pray for guidance and help in rough moments, but it's ME that has the task of changing these characteristics. If God is there, he is merely there as a guide and helper. He's not there to rescue us from our bad decisions. He wants us to do it on our own. And I will do that. I am ready to stop using this crutch to deal with situations. I'm ready to find new ways to cope with stress and work. I'm ready to be free from the chains again.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Another cop out. I'm derailing this train. Give me strength to not put the train back on the tracks. That's all I ask. In my weakest moments, let me be my strongest. In the pangs of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, let me find acceptance with a swiftness, and let me understand the true ramifications and how rich my life will be without them. Let me believe that I am strong enough to make it. That by holding on, just holding on, for another minute, another second, that this too will pass in time. That's all I ask. I won't pretend to seek anything more than that.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

My ex-wife, my kids, anybody who's had to breathe in my smoke (which usually wasn't many because for the most part I smoked outside)...my ammends will be to not do it anymore.

To myself, the one who is most damaged by this, I pledge to be a strong as I can, to get through this, and to heal. To exercise and start running and know what it's like to breath fresh air again. To stop wasting money on a habit that is killing my health.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Beyond this, it's a day by day process. I've looked at why I started, why I continued, and why it's so hard to walk away. And the habit is mostly just destructive. It's done me no good.

So that's my admission...that's my delving into the addiction. I continue to dig. I continue to scratch at my skin as the nicotine leaves my body. I continue to fight the fog of depression. But I remember why I am doing this. And in those tough moments I know all I gotta do is just not give in. That's it. Just exist until it passes. Just exist until it passes. And reach forward for the moment when I accept that I am done with smoking for good, and it no longer is a process. It's a nothing. It's life.

I am J, and I am a non-smoker. I am J, and I am a nonsmoker. I am J, and I am a nonsmoker.

Lord, help me believe that.