Procrastination

I am avoiding my current writing project.

I started it a week or so ago, and it's a memoir (of sorts) that I'm not sure is going to end up as a memoir or if I'm going to take liberties with some of the characters and make it a fiction piece "based on a true story."

I'm delving into new territory because for the first time I am trying to write something of length in present tense. That has proved to be really tricky and I've caught myself switching tenses a couple of times already.

But now I have been sheepishly avoiding the next scene. I've been avoiding it because it's going to be a tough scene to write. Rehashing the moment in your life when you hit rock bottom isn't something that's easy or that you look forward to. Although, I am willing to bet that it's going to feel really good to get it out of me.

Being a writer, it's amazing how a simple thing like putting your words to the page can affect your moods and bring about various feelings: euphoria, depression, anger, humor, etc. If you don't write for a while, you get the itch and it has a negative affect on your life. A writer has to write, and sometimes a writer has to write ugly. I've always been more of a fan of writing inspiration, but in the past year or so I've discovered how absolutely therapeutic it is to write ugly. To be real about what you think. To expose yourself raw on the page with no regretes or apologies.

But it's hard to do. It's hard to start into something like that because you are afraid of not only the feelings it will evoke, but more importantly you are afraid of what's going to come out. Are you going to be proud of what you see on the page when you are finished? Sometimes fingers have a mind of their own and if you just let them flow without thinking, it can produce some ugly stuff. Although, I have to admit that the ugly stuff is some of the more fantastic writing I've done.

Then there is the fact that I am a guy. I don't really handle emotions very well. I don't know how to deal with them. Just "feeling" is something foreign to me, and I avoid it more often than I let it happen. Granted, there's nothing wrong with a guy feeling the range of emotions that a particular piece brings out in him, but something on the inside says "Hey, this isn't right for you. You aren't designed for this." I'd much rather act than feel. I'd much rather be DOING something than FEELING something.

So here I sit, procrastinating because I know what the next scene in my writing holds. I know where it's going to take me and I haven't been to that place for such a long time. But it has to be told. I have to put it out there. And the story itself does have a happy ending. This is the lowest I'll have to go before things start getting more positive. The story beyond this scene is one of hope, and I know that when I get there I'm going to have a pretty powerful story.

But I sit and I stall. I sit and want to write but I can't because I know what's coming. I can't stop it and I can't avoid it and I just have to go through it. See you on the flip side.