Ok, wow. I had no idea that I could get a craving that intense this late in the game. I sort of figured that in time, the cravings/desires would get easier.
Oh yeah, and I am sorry to my readers that this is all I can talk about lately. Hopefully I can move on to bigger and brighter things soon.
Anyway, I tell you if I get a moment like I just had again, I really don't think I'll be strong enough to resist it. It's almost like I was on autopilot.
I took the kids out to eat again tonight. Just here in town to a local Dennys. Nothing major. We at and all I could think about while eating was getting a pack of cigs while I was out. And when I paid for the meal and walked out, it came down over me. HARD. I drove to the gas station and got gas. When I was done pumping, I turned and stared at the doors for 5 minutes. I just stared at the doors. I could see cigs behind the counters. I stared. My kids yelled at me and I got in.
I had a bag of suckers on the seat, so I quickly opened one and threw it in my mouth (first one today lol). And of course, I had to give one to each of my kids. But I started the car and drove. I circled my house like 5 times before I pulled in. My kids were confused.
And my nerves are shot. I am snapping at my kids left and right. Today has been a hard one, and my daughter is driving me up the wall. I chewed my son out, to the point where I actually scared him. I swear, if I do something like that again I'm buying a fucking pack. Yelling at my kids, moreso than is called for, is something I'm not going to just "fight my way through."
But I'm hear, in my house, typing and writing and reading, trying to calm my nerves. I feel a small wave of peace right now. Like a feeling of exhaustion...you know how when you exert yourself and then when you are done you feel this wave of peace like you are just gonna chill and enjoy that peace. That's where I am now. My body is going nuts. I broke down in the car crying...although it wasn't enough to be noticed by my kids. Just some tears streaming down my face.
I almost just threw away 6 days. I almost just gave in. I almost bought a pack.
I'll give up tomorrow...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
The first 7 days are the hardest for me but it's the opposite for Brent. The first week is a breeze and then after that is when things get really, really, really bad. He too is the world's biggest fucking asshole during Week 2 and I basically have to keep him away from the kids and keep my mouth shut until he can get a grip because he does and will verbally abuse us during that time period.
ReplyDeleteMeh everyone is different....I personally think its the first week that's the hardest...once you're over that 7th day, you feel some sense of victory...and I don't give a shit how small and insignificant that victory is..its there. Don't let your kids be your reason you start smoking again..that's a cop out about the yelling and losing your temper bit. Sure, it makes you irritable, but NO SHIT. Its gonna...Its a tiny increment of time in the big picture. Dad is allowed to have a bad few days in the name of quitting smoking. Don't start back up again, just to prevent asshole dad kicking in, that's taking the pussy way out. Just remember that, don't be a vagina, KAY!?!?!? Hold yourself accountable to as many people as possible. I found that helped me (even though I had about a week of sneaking smokes on my lunch break)...I still hid away from all my co-workers and was sure to scour my face, mouth, and fingers with soap and water and gum...and it totally took any thing I thought I was missing from the cigs away. It made me feel ashamed. But I was glad I told everyone I was quitting because I was now not only in potential jeopardy of disappointing myelf but all of them too....and that sucks....
ReplyDelete