Day 4: I'll give up tomorrow...

The mere fact that I can say "Hey, this is day 4 in an attempt to quit smoking" means that this is like my 3rd most successful attempt yet.

I left work at 7PM last evening. On my way home, I get a call and it's my son. He asked me if I wanted to go to Dennys with them, and I said sure. So long as I don't have other plans, I'll usually do whatever my kids want me to do when they call.

Eating dinner with the ex and the kids, however, does trigger the desire to have a cigarette. First of all, the kids act WAY different around her, and it becomes obvious that she doesn't give a flying fuck what they do when she has them. They kept getting out of their seat and running around the restaraunt and I was the one who kept yelling for them to sit down.

But for the most part, it was fine. My daughter saw my sucker in my mouth (which has been pretty much a fixture with me these past few days) and immediately came running up to me, gave me a giant hug, and decided she wanted a lick too. So I got to share my sucker with her and we got to swap germs.

The funniest thing that happened was when I told them bye and left, I got into my car and on the way home I was wrestling with the thought of stopping at the store and buying a pack of cigs. And as I passed the store, I actually thought to myself that it was like 8:30 and I only had a few hours before I went to bed, so I'll give up tomorrow.

I'll give up tomorrow.

LOL. That's funny, because it's usually "I'll quit smoking tomorrow/Monday/whenever." Maybe this represents a new way of thinking for me, I dunno. But I laughed about that for a little while and drove home.

The only other thing of note was that I was watching American Idol (I know, it's my guilty pleasure) last night and that redhead's rendition of "Alone" made me cry like a girl. I guess this shit has my emotions out of whack, because the thought of crying over something on American Idol is the most ridiculous bullshit I've ever heard.

I also recognize that it's either start smoking again or figure out why it causes me to be depressed when I quit and ways to deal with it. Which isn't that bad, considering I've battled depression a couple of other times before and have beat it. I guess this is the residual stuff that I couldn't feel before because the cigs were taking care of it.

When the suckers run out, I'm giving them up too. No more crutches. I use a crutch to get over a crutch, but now it's time to put some pressure down on that foot and see how it fares.

For the first time, though, I can see myself changing. I'm making changes here...huge changes. And I feel like I'm getting stronger. I know I start and stop and give up on stuff. Like the gym. that's been very start and stop. But each time it's a little easier to start. The new habits I'm trying to build are getting easier to start. I'm going to bed earlier and getting up at 5AM. I'm going to the gym/trying to run, I'm quitting smoking. These are big changes (to me at least) and have required me to face big changes in the way I think.

I think the effects of those changes will resonate throughout my life and I'll see myself in new territory. Perhaps this 2 year marathon of pain/agony/self-reflection is starting to pay off. Perhaps I'm starting to see the finish line. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm gonna be ok.

There's hope for me after all. I'll give up tomorrow.