The Lent Grinch

So, I'd like to invite you into my own little personal hell. Pull up a chair and have a seat.

The wonderful season of lent is about to begin. While I don't buy into the bullshit that it represents, I DO kind of like the concept behind lent...sacrificing something for a period of 40 days and 40 nights. Building inner strength by doing without and all that jazz. I really don't know much beyond that (and what I learned from that movie by the same name lol). All I know is that it starts on Ash Wednesday and runs through easter, and it's a period of 40 days in which you sacrifice something of value that you do or partake in during that time to recognize what Christ went through in the desert.

Beyond that I am clueless.

I didn't even know when it was coming this year until one day I'm standing outside smoking a cig at work and a coworker was smoking with me and told me that she was going to give up cigs for lent. And like a little worm that detail started gnawing on me and has been gnawing on me for a week now.

Well, stupid me, I thought it started today (and not Wednesday). And I decided that I was going to do the same thing as my coworker. Put on the patch and go to town. Give it up for 40 days and then boom I got the home stretch laid out before me to put this disgusting ass habit behind me for good. To be able to breathe again, so that I can go to the gym and actually make progress with my running. To not have to take prilosec OTC everyday for heartburn that rips me apart if I don't take it (that smoking is no doubt the catalyst for). To lower my insurance bill considerably. To not be chained to shelling out $35 per paycheck twice a month for something I get no positive value from.

It seems my sacrifice for the sake of Christ's suffering (OH GLORY HALLELUJAH!) was a win/win. I get to quit my bane habit, Christ gets a little something out of me for a change. Rite? Rite?

Yeah, I already said I thought it started today, so I have a patch on my arm. It actually starts Wednesday, so it looks like it's going to be 42 days for me. That's immaterial anyway. The idea is to quit smoking for good. The 40 days shit is just something to psyche my mind out, but please don't tell it. I don't think it could handle it at this moment.

In times past, in one of the other 11ty billion attempts I've made at quitting, when I put the patch on it has completely killed the physical cravings for me to where all I had to do was focus on the habit. And the times that I would rip the patch off my arm and fire one up have been times that I purely missed the habit of smoking, not the nicotine itself.

Today, however, I feel as if the patch is a useless fucking piece of crap that I have tacked to my shoulder. Today I feel as if I could smoke 80 cigarettes all at once. Just cram my mouth full, light a fire with a torch and just smoke myself into some sort of ridiculous oblivion. It is not a good start.

And I've already have like 5 things happen to me today to trigger INTENSE FUCKING CRAVINGS. I am in nicotine-less hell here and it's not going good. At all. This is the worst fucking attempt ever. Can you tell by my language? I've been trying to scale back my use of "fuck" lately so that when I do say it it had has more meaning behind it than just a pause in my conversation to help me think of more stuff. But fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Lent has caused me to increase my use of foul language. Praise Jesus and pass the ham.

On a more positive note, however, I usually supplement the patch with pretzel rods. Today, I took a different route and bought me a giant honkin' bag of suckers. And I am relishing their sweet sugary goodness. I scoff at my slightly yellowing teeth by deciding to go ahead and rot them all the way out.

But they are great suckers. And they help way more than pretzels. I can't wait to get in the car and eat one. And if my kids lay a finger on them, I'll have to get violent.

So here I am, the lent Grinch. Ho hum and pass me another sucker.