Day 7: Got to be

It's 9 PM on day 7 and I am sitting in my apartment watching the Office. This weekend was pure hell, but by some stretch, some friking miracle, I managed to make it to this point with no cigs. Which means that when I go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning, this will officially be my most successful attempt at quitting to date. So, whatever happens, I can be proud of myself for that. I've also learned more about myself this time than I have in times past. I've faced a few inner demons and come to terms with them. All in all, I've grown. So yeah, I consider it to be a success.

The problem is, that I can't explain just how close I came to buying a pack of cigs or cigars tonight. The only thing holding me back was that it was day 7 and if I were to wake up tomorrow without having one I will have broken my "old record" for days without a cig.

At this point on? I have no idea what is going to stop me. This weekend was the absolute hardest time. My mind was a flurry, my nerves were on edge, and my head was a mess. I'm a little better now, but I'm still not solid. I still don't feel strong enough to say I'll never smoke another one again. I honestly don't know if I'll break down and buy a pack or not. I'm not going to bullshit myself here (like I've done in the past).

But tomorrow I get to start a new cycle. I've been through everyday of the week and tomorrow I get to start over with the cycle. Which means I've gotten a chance to ward off most of my "normal" triggers that happen in a week's time. Which means that this coming week *should* be a little easier because I've already been down this road once.

The two things that have kept me from buying a pack of cigs on this attempt:

1. The thought of being able to run and to not be out of breath.

2. The thought that one cigarette will put me right back where I was.

In other news, I went to church this morning (for the first time in a lonnnng time). It was a new church that the one I used to go to. I was just curious to branch out and go to some different places and see what it's like. So far, I once again find myself sitting in the pew staring up at the people that take the stage, and thinking of them as just "entertainers." It all just seems like one giant show to me, and that drives me bonkers. Seems like a load of bullshit. Even in my old church, the one I like to go to, it seems that way.

I should probably get over it. I'm finding bits and pieces of my faith again, but I know that I'll probably never be able to reconcile myself with church or with some of the things in the bible. Just too much that doesn't make sense to me, even if I do believe in a God that actually gives a shit what we are doing. But I take all that by faith...as I think you have to. The only proof I offer is the cosmological arguement (by Aristotle), beyond that I think it's up to each of us to take things on what we believe to be true.

There's a Universal Unitarian church in the area that I think I might try next Sunday morning. They are supposedly more open than most churches, so we'll see how it goes. I'd sort of like to find a place where I can go and get help and support, make a few friends, and maybe get involved in something within the community through them. I don't want to delve too deep into it. I'd rather keep it to the surface for the most part. Old wounds from churches have taught me that...don't get too close or you'll get ripped in half.

Ah well, it's 9:30 and I'm still smoke free on day 7. I feel good about that. How long that will last? Fuck if I know.