I finally know what I want out of a relationship!

Let all of heaven and earth stop on a dime and lend an ear. It's as if the gods themselves delivered a message from the mountain, etched in stone and seared permanently in with fire and brimstone. I consider myself quite blessed to have had such a religious experience while eating my fried sheet of chicken and shoelace french fries.

As anybody who has been following my story for any length of time knows, I am not the king of relationships. Never have been. My relationship story reads like a who's who of great moments in historic monumental failures.

But for this moment...in this day...it finally hit me what I want out of a long term relationship, and I am still reeling from the clarity that has shone down upon me, opening my eyes to new and brave worlds.

So let me share with you, my readers, my epiphany. My grand plan for the hopes that on some day, on some distant planet, I can find the female who wants the same things and we can make beautiful babies together.

1. I do NOT want to get married again. No way, no how. Fuck that. The laws of this country are incredibly ridiculously skewed towards women in a divorce, and I am not going to place myself in that position ever ever again.

2. I have no issue in buying a woman a ring. But I will not spend more than $50, tops on the mother fucker. What a giant gaping waste of money to spend anything more than that on a ring. And what does the man get in a return? We are encouraged to spend 3 months salary on a ring. What is a woman encouraged to get a man in return? ....... *crickets*........For 3 months salary, I could buy a hooker every weekend for 3 years. Are you kidding me?

2. I have no issue with standing in front of my family and friends and declaring my love and my commitment to a woman. "Wedding" is not quite the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. Just don't ask me for a marriage certificate. If you want that, I'll print you one off my computer and put little cartoon giraffes on it and make it cute if you want. Let's leave the government out of our affair please. What I refuse to do is to spend ridiculous amounts of money on such an affair. We don't need a big elaborate ceremony. I'll get up in a suit and tie, you wear your sunday best and do your hair. Then we'll cart off to a restaraunt somewhere with family and friends and enjoy their company. AFter that, if you want to spend money on a nice trip, I'm all fucking for it. I'd rather spend my money living my life in an experience that lasts more than 5 minutes, thank you very much.

3. There is no "work" to this relationship. If it feels like "work," why don't we stop wasting each other's time and go off and be happy with other people? What misplaced since of ridiculous bullshit has told us that to get with someone for a long term it takes work? You have friends, right? Do you feel like those friendships take an enormous amount of work to maintain? NO. N-O. They work because you are on the same page, you get together and chill, talk, whatever. Sometimes, on the off chance, you fight, but you always work it out and it's not a huge deal to hang shit over their heads. You forgive...then you move on. Simple. Effective. Efficient. REAL. I have no issue, however, with performing routine maintainence. We can go on dates, we can learn to comprimise our issues, we can learn to listen to each other. I can handle that. What I won't stand for, in no way, is leveraging issues that arise to gain the "power" in the relationship. When that happens, goodbye--don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Go assert your power over someone else who gives a big fat flying fuck over power. I don't. I don't want to control the people who get close to me. That's their own business.

4. A relationship consists of the following things: someone to talk to, someone to fuck, someone to eat with, and someone who knows when to leave you the fuck alone. That's about it. If you, my fair woman, would be so gracious as to have a hot meal waiting for me when I get home from work, I'll suck it up and do the dishes. If you, my fair lady, will be so gracious as to wash my clothes (you don't even have to separate the whites and the darks! I'm not picky!), I'll pull them out and fold them. Better yet, fuck that. I'll wash my own damn clothes and you wash yours, deal? If you, my fair lady, will be so gracious as to clean up after yourself, I will in turn clean up after myself. Keep shit off the damn floor. Take your dishes to the sink. Those are my only two requirements, and I'll be sure to help make that a reality. We'll get together and clean up the cobwebs some other time...together. The point: there are things that need done...fucking do them. Sometimes I'll do them. Sometimes you'll do them. That's life, let's not bitch and groan about who does what.

5. If you have credit card debt up to your eyeballs, please find someone else. I'm not paying YOUR debts, and I don't expect you to pay mine. If you have a credit card with any sort of serious balance, you're not the girl for me. Sorry. I don't want debt. I've went through hell (and bankruptcy) to get out of debt and I intend to stay there. If that means not buying today what we can save up for tomorrow, so be it. We'll take a 15 year mortgage for a house, small loans for slightly used vehicles, and on ocassion even small debts that we can pay off quickly (think 3 months). Beyond that, cash is king of this house. Get used to it or go find someone who wants what you want.

6. I have a career. I expect you to have one too. I can't quit my job whenever the hell I feel like it, neither should you. If we have kids, we'll work something out until they get into school. But it's your own responsibility to make sure you are marketable for a career on the chance that our relationship doesn't work and you have to support yourself. BTW, we'll keep our bills limited to what one of us could survive on if the other lost their job. That way, we aren't stuck together. I want to make it as easy as possible to walk away at any moment. That way we don't stay together because we NEED each other. We stay together because we WANT each other. A relationship built on that basis is far more healthy.

7. While I'm not the healthiest eater in the world and I can slack on my gym time from time to time, I do try my damnedest to stay in shape. I want to look and feel healthy. I expect you to have a similar outlook on life as well. Yes, I'll still <3 you if you get fat, but I probably won't be attracted to you sexually. Just know that in advance. I figure you to be the same way and to hold me to the same standard.

8. Honesty at all times, no exceptions. Secrets? What are those?

9. I have kids. They are a package deal. They are number one in my life...always. They will always be number one in my life, and sometimes you are going to take a backseat to them. Understand that upfront.

10. I like to play games. Relationship games. I'll make you a promise: I'll never play a game to manipulate or deceive you. Aside from that, it's game on. Let's have some fun.

Yes, yes...That's an extremely tall order and pretty much goes against anything society tries to ram at us nowadays. But that's ok. If I find that and someone who wants THAT, there'll be no question that we are made for each other.

I hope this didn't come across as bitter, because it's not coming from a place of bitterness at all. It's more from a place of blunt, honest truth. This is what I want. I'll never force anyone to do any of those things, but I don't have to change what I want either. I'm looking for compatibility, not comprimise.

Etched in stone. These are my ten most basic needs. Hallelujah!

A Shiny New Blog/Website

Well, I'm at it again. This blog was shortlived, I guess. I dunno if I'll keep this one going at the same time or not. I haven't decided that yet, but I do want to announce that I've started a new website:

http://soulsasylum.org/

I used to have a similar site, it got to be way too much for me to handle at the time so I shut it down and walked away. Like an itch, that desire to do it again his jumped up and bit me. For now I'm going to keep it simple. I may add some message boards sometime in the future, but right now I just want to post blog content to the main page and get some traffic. From there, we'll see what happens.

In the back of my head I'm thinking of it becoming a second source of income (from ad revenue and the like), but right now it's just a simple blog. And it'll probably stay that way for a while.

Thought you guys would like to know, as I may be abandoning this particular blog for the greener pastures over there. :D

It's been real.

Setback

First things first: I bought a pack of cigs and a pack of cigars last night and smoked myself silly. There was no sudden relief (that I thought would come) or no hooey cloud of "wow this is amazing." It just light...smoke...oh, ok, i'm right back here now with no real immediate joy to the smoking anymore.

I wanted to wake up and say...Boom! Day 1: Recharge or some bullshit like that, but that's not going to happen today. I feel like I've been whipped through a war. I feel like someone has taken me out and flogged me and left me to rot. I don't feel a shred of guilt about smoking. I just feel exhausted from a week without smoking. I assume it's because the wounds that the smoking is "crutching" haven't healed enough for me to walk on alone. This is why this blog post exists. I may be smoking again, but I still intend to figure out why I got so depressed when I quit and why, all of a sudden, the depression is slowly starting to fade now that I've had a few cigs.

To do that, I'll probably make a series of posts (some here and some that will probably never see the light of day) and work through from where things started for me. Just because I'm feeling better (almost immediately actually) doesn't mean that that depression isn't sitting there under the surface. I know it's still there, even if I am feeling it less and less now that I am smoking. So I supposed I'm going to have to go in there after it. The thought, frankly, kinda scares me.

It scares me because in order for it to disappear while smoking, it almost means that has to be some subconscious shit. It's like I dealt with the conscious part of it in the past couple of years, but there's apparently some stuff underneath that I haven't dealt with and I don't want to go digging in there to see what's causing it.

So, as soon as I can get some sort of break at work again, I'm going to find a therapist/counsellor of some sort and see what I can come up with. In the meantime, I'll be writing through it, I'll be looking for ways to find ridiculous amounts of contentment in my current life. And I have a new desire to become more of a presence in the lives of my kids. I've realized lately I've just sort of been going through the motions...getting them on my days, but not really being "available" to them while I have them.

So, I have lots of stuff to work through. And lots of cigs to smoke.

Big thanks to all of your comments, though. I appreciate the support and the comments helped me immensely.

Day 7: Got to be

It's 9 PM on day 7 and I am sitting in my apartment watching the Office. This weekend was pure hell, but by some stretch, some friking miracle, I managed to make it to this point with no cigs. Which means that when I go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning, this will officially be my most successful attempt at quitting to date. So, whatever happens, I can be proud of myself for that. I've also learned more about myself this time than I have in times past. I've faced a few inner demons and come to terms with them. All in all, I've grown. So yeah, I consider it to be a success.

The problem is, that I can't explain just how close I came to buying a pack of cigs or cigars tonight. The only thing holding me back was that it was day 7 and if I were to wake up tomorrow without having one I will have broken my "old record" for days without a cig.

At this point on? I have no idea what is going to stop me. This weekend was the absolute hardest time. My mind was a flurry, my nerves were on edge, and my head was a mess. I'm a little better now, but I'm still not solid. I still don't feel strong enough to say I'll never smoke another one again. I honestly don't know if I'll break down and buy a pack or not. I'm not going to bullshit myself here (like I've done in the past).

But tomorrow I get to start a new cycle. I've been through everyday of the week and tomorrow I get to start over with the cycle. Which means I've gotten a chance to ward off most of my "normal" triggers that happen in a week's time. Which means that this coming week *should* be a little easier because I've already been down this road once.

The two things that have kept me from buying a pack of cigs on this attempt:

1. The thought of being able to run and to not be out of breath.

2. The thought that one cigarette will put me right back where I was.

In other news, I went to church this morning (for the first time in a lonnnng time). It was a new church that the one I used to go to. I was just curious to branch out and go to some different places and see what it's like. So far, I once again find myself sitting in the pew staring up at the people that take the stage, and thinking of them as just "entertainers." It all just seems like one giant show to me, and that drives me bonkers. Seems like a load of bullshit. Even in my old church, the one I like to go to, it seems that way.

I should probably get over it. I'm finding bits and pieces of my faith again, but I know that I'll probably never be able to reconcile myself with church or with some of the things in the bible. Just too much that doesn't make sense to me, even if I do believe in a God that actually gives a shit what we are doing. But I take all that by faith...as I think you have to. The only proof I offer is the cosmological arguement (by Aristotle), beyond that I think it's up to each of us to take things on what we believe to be true.

There's a Universal Unitarian church in the area that I think I might try next Sunday morning. They are supposedly more open than most churches, so we'll see how it goes. I'd sort of like to find a place where I can go and get help and support, make a few friends, and maybe get involved in something within the community through them. I don't want to delve too deep into it. I'd rather keep it to the surface for the most part. Old wounds from churches have taught me that...don't get too close or you'll get ripped in half.

Ah well, it's 9:30 and I'm still smoke free on day 7. I feel good about that. How long that will last? Fuck if I know.

Almost

Ok, wow. I had no idea that I could get a craving that intense this late in the game. I sort of figured that in time, the cravings/desires would get easier.

Oh yeah, and I am sorry to my readers that this is all I can talk about lately. Hopefully I can move on to bigger and brighter things soon.

Anyway, I tell you if I get a moment like I just had again, I really don't think I'll be strong enough to resist it. It's almost like I was on autopilot.

I took the kids out to eat again tonight. Just here in town to a local Dennys. Nothing major. We at and all I could think about while eating was getting a pack of cigs while I was out. And when I paid for the meal and walked out, it came down over me. HARD. I drove to the gas station and got gas. When I was done pumping, I turned and stared at the doors for 5 minutes. I just stared at the doors. I could see cigs behind the counters. I stared. My kids yelled at me and I got in.

I had a bag of suckers on the seat, so I quickly opened one and threw it in my mouth (first one today lol). And of course, I had to give one to each of my kids. But I started the car and drove. I circled my house like 5 times before I pulled in. My kids were confused.

And my nerves are shot. I am snapping at my kids left and right. Today has been a hard one, and my daughter is driving me up the wall. I chewed my son out, to the point where I actually scared him. I swear, if I do something like that again I'm buying a fucking pack. Yelling at my kids, moreso than is called for, is something I'm not going to just "fight my way through."

But I'm hear, in my house, typing and writing and reading, trying to calm my nerves. I feel a small wave of peace right now. Like a feeling of exhaustion...you know how when you exert yourself and then when you are done you feel this wave of peace like you are just gonna chill and enjoy that peace. That's where I am now. My body is going nuts. I broke down in the car crying...although it wasn't enough to be noticed by my kids. Just some tears streaming down my face.

I almost just threw away 6 days. I almost just gave in. I almost bought a pack.

I'll give up tomorrow...

24

Day 6: Ten Days to Self-Esteem

We're in the car and we're driving. My son is crying....he doesn't WANT to go to the bigger store. He doesn't want to leave town. He wants to go to Subway. I want a big juicy steak. A reward for my week of intense ridiculous want.

Every store in the world is packed, so I pull into Applebees and grab a little light thingamabob and wait the 20 minute wait for a seat. We sit down, I order a giant NY Strip, cooked medium, with french fries and mixed vegetables and side salad. He gets a hamburger and french fries. She gets macaroni and french fries. We eat and talk and color and laugh and enjoy the evening. I get them desert shooters and we are all so full we can burst. Its been a good night.

"Now it's time to go to the bigger store," I say to my son. He doesn't care at this point. He tells me he was being mean because he was tired earlier. I laugh.

We go to the bigger store (the mall lol) and I let them look at toys. Then on the way out, I have to make my stop at the bookstore. I'm here for a purpose after all. To find something, anything, to help me work through the depression aspect of quiting smoking. I'm in the store looking, my kids run to the kids books and they drag up all kinds of coloring books. I let out a sigh and tell them they can each have one and to go put the other ones back and to stop running around like heathens before I get crannnnnnky.

I'm looking for a book, any book. My daughter walks up and screams "DADDY I HAVE TO POOP!" I look around and everybody is looking at us. I laugh my ass off and tell her to come on. I drag her to the men's room and watch as the guys kinda look at me funny for bringing her in. I ask myself what the fuck they expect me to do with my daughter when I'm out alone with her? Fucking idiots.

The seat in the stall is pure filth and she won't put her ass anywhere near it. So we stand and wait for the other stall to empty. Eventually a little boy walks out and she goes in. I lift her up on the seat and she poops. She leans forward a little too far and the autoflush flushes and she screams and jumps off the toilet. I laugh and put her back up. She says she's done, so I wipe her ass. I hate using dry toilet paper to wipe their asses (I'd rather have a baby wipe), but this is all I have.

We go back to the bookstore and I'm looking for a book and my kids are running down the aisle like banshees. I have to yell at them to settle down. And they do, a little. They come back with books. One princess painting book. One Wall-E sticker book. Huzzah.

I look down and spy a workbook.

Ten Days to Self-Esteem.

I have decent self-esteem, I think, but I pick it up and notice that it's a workbook full of writing exercises dealing with depression and anxiety. Perfect. I don't want to read about shit. I want to write about shit.

I feel funny paying for it, because it seems like a small, very public admission of what I'm going through. And I am not that open. I don't want people knowing my shit.

I get home and play games and watch cartoons with the kids. When they go to sleep, I pull out the workbook and work through the first section.

I take the initial tests. Apparently I have a mild case of depression (surprise surprise), but more interesting is that I have unusually high anxiety. Something I never really thought about before. And quitting smoking, I'm sure, has contributed to that. I'm a fairly anxious person as it is, but this past week I've been a flipping freak about it. In the past I've dealt with anxiety by getting active. Playing sports, walking miles, biking, basketball, fishing, whatever I can get into to get me busy and keep me moving. Smoking cigarettes was a way to relieve a lot of that without having to get off my ass. Now I need to get off my ass again. Which is cool because I WANT to start running and get to place where I can run a couple of miles without stopping. But I can only do so much of that.

I need some other stuff to work through. Meditation or something along those lines. I can't eat suckers forever.

But there I am. I'm about to work through the section section of my workbook. lol I feel like an idiot, but so far it's been educational.

And everyday is the same thing. I wake up, and I feel really good about myself knowing that I've made it just one more day. But that quickly fades and within a couple of hours my mind is slammed. Pounded from all directions with very little let up. It's been like that for about 5 days now with no real noticable change. Everybody keeps telling me that this will subside, and I believe it will, but I'm not there yet and I'm having trouble seeing forward to that day when it becomes something more manageable that "just exist through this day to get to the next one."

But hey, my steak was pretty damn delicious. I'll have to treat myself to one of them more often.

My Toxic Friend

When my life fell apart, you were there making me feel as if things were ok.

When I was bored, you were there, entertaining me enough and making me feel better about me.

When I was scared, you calmed me and made me see that there was no reason to be scared.

When I was angry, you reached inside and soothed my nerves, splashing me with waves of calmness and relief.

You were my friend when I had no friends. You were the one thing that was always there for me. You were the one thing that always made me feel better.

But you were destroying me. For every visit you gave me, you took something from me that I may never have again. For every time we got together, you dulled me, duped me, and chained me to you. You told me to come to you when I needed you, but you never said that when I wanted to get away you wouldn't let me. You never said that you would haunt me and taunt me if ever I wanted to try it on my own. You never said that you would make my body shake and ache, play games with my mind, and bring me into depression if I ever walked away.

I fell for your lies, but now I see you for the truth. You are a friend, but not a friend. The toxicity of our relationship is too much for me to handle anymore. I want to go it alone. I want to be free from you. I'm tired of you telling me I'm not good enough to make it without you.

I'm tired of feeling like I lost a friend. You are an inanimate object. A ball and chain. Go away. Go away. Come back. Go away. I hate you. I love you. Come back. Go away.

Flurry...flurry. Whir.

Day 5: Strong and Weak

So, this morning I finally broke down and bought a pack. I swore I wasn't going to buy another pack, but I did.

Of suckers.

Guess I'm going to need a patch for that too.

Uttering the words "day 5" means that this is my second best attempt yet to quit smoking. It also means that, since I haven't had the patch on since Monday, that this is starting the 4th day without nicotine in my body. Which means that at this point, all the nicotine and the toxins should be officially swept out of my body (or mostly so) and that the physical addiction has been beaten.

Now, at this point, it becomes purely a mind game. The physical addiction is easy to beat. That's never been a huge problem for me. It's always been in my head. I've always psyched myself out of it. I've always allowed myself to crumble in a moment of weakness. And I'm not sure how long the mind battle will last. I suspect that it could last as long as a month or two, and that even for a couple of weeks that it will be rough.

I've been spending my time going through why I feel depression when I quit. I've spent the past two nights crying myself to sleep thinking about things I don't want to think about anymore. I've been writing like a banshee both by hand and on the computer. I keep imagining a life without cigarettes and the thought is both relief and fear at the same time. I feel strong and weak at the same time.

I imagine being able to run through the woods or along the street by the river without stopping to suck in air. I imagine being able to eat a meal at a restaraunt and not have to worry about wanting a cigarette immediately after. I imagine how my car is going to smell, once I scrub the absolute shit out of it to try and get the smell that is gagging me out of it. I imagine no longer having to hypocritically tell my kids how terrible smoking is for them while they are watching me take a drag. I imagine taking the money I save and putting it into savings and using it to fund a vacation every year. I imagine the reduction of the price in my insurance by signing the affidavit in 6 months. I imagine the steak dinner I told myself I was going to get myself if I made it until tonight. I imagine...I imagine...and I imagine.

And each day that dream gets a little stronger and my desire gets a little weaker. Each day I begin to believe that this just may be the time. This may be it. And that makes me giddy.

But each day my addiction reminds me that it's not going to go down easy. I'm not going to be able to just ignore it away. I am going to have to fight it each and every time or it's going to get inside my head as it's done before.

Right now, there is a little war going on inside of me. Strong and weak is how I feel. But I've always believed that our greatest weakness bring out our greatest strengths. I'm waiting for that strength to arrive.

Day 4: I'll give up tomorrow...

The mere fact that I can say "Hey, this is day 4 in an attempt to quit smoking" means that this is like my 3rd most successful attempt yet.

I left work at 7PM last evening. On my way home, I get a call and it's my son. He asked me if I wanted to go to Dennys with them, and I said sure. So long as I don't have other plans, I'll usually do whatever my kids want me to do when they call.

Eating dinner with the ex and the kids, however, does trigger the desire to have a cigarette. First of all, the kids act WAY different around her, and it becomes obvious that she doesn't give a flying fuck what they do when she has them. They kept getting out of their seat and running around the restaraunt and I was the one who kept yelling for them to sit down.

But for the most part, it was fine. My daughter saw my sucker in my mouth (which has been pretty much a fixture with me these past few days) and immediately came running up to me, gave me a giant hug, and decided she wanted a lick too. So I got to share my sucker with her and we got to swap germs.

The funniest thing that happened was when I told them bye and left, I got into my car and on the way home I was wrestling with the thought of stopping at the store and buying a pack of cigs. And as I passed the store, I actually thought to myself that it was like 8:30 and I only had a few hours before I went to bed, so I'll give up tomorrow.

I'll give up tomorrow.

LOL. That's funny, because it's usually "I'll quit smoking tomorrow/Monday/whenever." Maybe this represents a new way of thinking for me, I dunno. But I laughed about that for a little while and drove home.

The only other thing of note was that I was watching American Idol (I know, it's my guilty pleasure) last night and that redhead's rendition of "Alone" made me cry like a girl. I guess this shit has my emotions out of whack, because the thought of crying over something on American Idol is the most ridiculous bullshit I've ever heard.

I also recognize that it's either start smoking again or figure out why it causes me to be depressed when I quit and ways to deal with it. Which isn't that bad, considering I've battled depression a couple of other times before and have beat it. I guess this is the residual stuff that I couldn't feel before because the cigs were taking care of it.

When the suckers run out, I'm giving them up too. No more crutches. I use a crutch to get over a crutch, but now it's time to put some pressure down on that foot and see how it fares.

For the first time, though, I can see myself changing. I'm making changes here...huge changes. And I feel like I'm getting stronger. I know I start and stop and give up on stuff. Like the gym. that's been very start and stop. But each time it's a little easier to start. The new habits I'm trying to build are getting easier to start. I'm going to bed earlier and getting up at 5AM. I'm going to the gym/trying to run, I'm quitting smoking. These are big changes (to me at least) and have required me to face big changes in the way I think.

I think the effects of those changes will resonate throughout my life and I'll see myself in new territory. Perhaps this 2 year marathon of pain/agony/self-reflection is starting to pay off. Perhaps I'm starting to see the finish line. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm gonna be ok.

There's hope for me after all. I'll give up tomorrow.