I finally know what I want out of a relationship!

Let all of heaven and earth stop on a dime and lend an ear. It's as if the gods themselves delivered a message from the mountain, etched in stone and seared permanently in with fire and brimstone. I consider myself quite blessed to have had such a religious experience while eating my fried sheet of chicken and shoelace french fries.

As anybody who has been following my story for any length of time knows, I am not the king of relationships. Never have been. My relationship story reads like a who's who of great moments in historic monumental failures.

But for this moment...in this day...it finally hit me what I want out of a long term relationship, and I am still reeling from the clarity that has shone down upon me, opening my eyes to new and brave worlds.

So let me share with you, my readers, my epiphany. My grand plan for the hopes that on some day, on some distant planet, I can find the female who wants the same things and we can make beautiful babies together.

1. I do NOT want to get married again. No way, no how. Fuck that. The laws of this country are incredibly ridiculously skewed towards women in a divorce, and I am not going to place myself in that position ever ever again.

2. I have no issue in buying a woman a ring. But I will not spend more than $50, tops on the mother fucker. What a giant gaping waste of money to spend anything more than that on a ring. And what does the man get in a return? We are encouraged to spend 3 months salary on a ring. What is a woman encouraged to get a man in return? ....... *crickets*........For 3 months salary, I could buy a hooker every weekend for 3 years. Are you kidding me?

2. I have no issue with standing in front of my family and friends and declaring my love and my commitment to a woman. "Wedding" is not quite the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. Just don't ask me for a marriage certificate. If you want that, I'll print you one off my computer and put little cartoon giraffes on it and make it cute if you want. Let's leave the government out of our affair please. What I refuse to do is to spend ridiculous amounts of money on such an affair. We don't need a big elaborate ceremony. I'll get up in a suit and tie, you wear your sunday best and do your hair. Then we'll cart off to a restaraunt somewhere with family and friends and enjoy their company. AFter that, if you want to spend money on a nice trip, I'm all fucking for it. I'd rather spend my money living my life in an experience that lasts more than 5 minutes, thank you very much.

3. There is no "work" to this relationship. If it feels like "work," why don't we stop wasting each other's time and go off and be happy with other people? What misplaced since of ridiculous bullshit has told us that to get with someone for a long term it takes work? You have friends, right? Do you feel like those friendships take an enormous amount of work to maintain? NO. N-O. They work because you are on the same page, you get together and chill, talk, whatever. Sometimes, on the off chance, you fight, but you always work it out and it's not a huge deal to hang shit over their heads. You forgive...then you move on. Simple. Effective. Efficient. REAL. I have no issue, however, with performing routine maintainence. We can go on dates, we can learn to comprimise our issues, we can learn to listen to each other. I can handle that. What I won't stand for, in no way, is leveraging issues that arise to gain the "power" in the relationship. When that happens, goodbye--don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Go assert your power over someone else who gives a big fat flying fuck over power. I don't. I don't want to control the people who get close to me. That's their own business.

4. A relationship consists of the following things: someone to talk to, someone to fuck, someone to eat with, and someone who knows when to leave you the fuck alone. That's about it. If you, my fair woman, would be so gracious as to have a hot meal waiting for me when I get home from work, I'll suck it up and do the dishes. If you, my fair lady, will be so gracious as to wash my clothes (you don't even have to separate the whites and the darks! I'm not picky!), I'll pull them out and fold them. Better yet, fuck that. I'll wash my own damn clothes and you wash yours, deal? If you, my fair lady, will be so gracious as to clean up after yourself, I will in turn clean up after myself. Keep shit off the damn floor. Take your dishes to the sink. Those are my only two requirements, and I'll be sure to help make that a reality. We'll get together and clean up the cobwebs some other time...together. The point: there are things that need done...fucking do them. Sometimes I'll do them. Sometimes you'll do them. That's life, let's not bitch and groan about who does what.

5. If you have credit card debt up to your eyeballs, please find someone else. I'm not paying YOUR debts, and I don't expect you to pay mine. If you have a credit card with any sort of serious balance, you're not the girl for me. Sorry. I don't want debt. I've went through hell (and bankruptcy) to get out of debt and I intend to stay there. If that means not buying today what we can save up for tomorrow, so be it. We'll take a 15 year mortgage for a house, small loans for slightly used vehicles, and on ocassion even small debts that we can pay off quickly (think 3 months). Beyond that, cash is king of this house. Get used to it or go find someone who wants what you want.

6. I have a career. I expect you to have one too. I can't quit my job whenever the hell I feel like it, neither should you. If we have kids, we'll work something out until they get into school. But it's your own responsibility to make sure you are marketable for a career on the chance that our relationship doesn't work and you have to support yourself. BTW, we'll keep our bills limited to what one of us could survive on if the other lost their job. That way, we aren't stuck together. I want to make it as easy as possible to walk away at any moment. That way we don't stay together because we NEED each other. We stay together because we WANT each other. A relationship built on that basis is far more healthy.

7. While I'm not the healthiest eater in the world and I can slack on my gym time from time to time, I do try my damnedest to stay in shape. I want to look and feel healthy. I expect you to have a similar outlook on life as well. Yes, I'll still <3 you if you get fat, but I probably won't be attracted to you sexually. Just know that in advance. I figure you to be the same way and to hold me to the same standard.

8. Honesty at all times, no exceptions. Secrets? What are those?

9. I have kids. They are a package deal. They are number one in my life...always. They will always be number one in my life, and sometimes you are going to take a backseat to them. Understand that upfront.

10. I like to play games. Relationship games. I'll make you a promise: I'll never play a game to manipulate or deceive you. Aside from that, it's game on. Let's have some fun.

Yes, yes...That's an extremely tall order and pretty much goes against anything society tries to ram at us nowadays. But that's ok. If I find that and someone who wants THAT, there'll be no question that we are made for each other.

I hope this didn't come across as bitter, because it's not coming from a place of bitterness at all. It's more from a place of blunt, honest truth. This is what I want. I'll never force anyone to do any of those things, but I don't have to change what I want either. I'm looking for compatibility, not comprimise.

Etched in stone. These are my ten most basic needs. Hallelujah!