Do you ever get the realization that you know what you have to do, but you are afraid of actually doing it? What it could mean if you do, who it may hurt, and whether it's actually the right thing to do?
I've been wrestling with that thought ever since I separated from my ex. And after tonight, I feel even more compelled to do that which I am afraid to do.
Sunday evening, when I returned my kids to her, I told her to make our daughter a doctor's appointment. She was coughing fiercely all day, her eyes were red and watery, and she was tugging at her ear. I told her that my mom said that she would take them if she made the appointment. My ex told me that she would make the appointment and take them herself.
Fast forward to tonight. My daughter shows up, so hoarse she can barely talk, still hadn't been to the doctor, and spent the first hour with me just bawling her eyes out--wanting her "mommy." Which is something she does when she's not feeling good, of course. So, I finally decide to take her to the emergency room. If she has an ear infection, I didn't want it to go another day and was worried about her and wanted to get her some medicine now.
While at the emergency room, I text my ex and tell her that I'm there and that she can pick them up there or at Walmart (where I'll get the perscription filled). And what does she do? She goes off on me, telling me that she had an appointment tomorrow and that I was out of line to take her to the emergency room. I....was....out.....of....line....getting my daughter the medical care that she needed. Read that again. She had an ear infection and the doctor perscribed her some amoxicilin for it, to take it 3 times a day.
When she (my ex) shows up, she's on the phone and she's got a goofy look on her face. I know the look. The look tells me that there is a guy on the other line. (there are other things that make me think this, but I won't go into them) The last time she was interested in a guy, she acted the same way. Just totally disinterested in the kids and their needs. And I was the one who had to step up and take care of things. But she didn't even look at me. Didn't bother to ask me about the doctor (until like a half an hour later). She just took the kids, put them in the car, and drove off (all while on the phone).
And here I am, asking myself, why the kids have taken a backseat to whatever else seems more important to her. I was actually impressed lately with how well she had been taking care of the kids and the things she was doing. Now, however, I have the feeling that that will fall by the wayside and she'll be the same way she was before.
Anyway, for the first time in a long time, I have the feeling. The feeling that I need to get custody of my kids. The feeling that it might be the best thing for them.
But with those thoughts I am left with reservations of my own. First of all, the kids love their mother. They seem happy. And I don't want to disturb that happiness, unless it is absolutely imperative to do so. My original thoughts were that if she was doing drugs, or dating somebody who did drugs, and/or they were being abused in some way. Now, I'm not so sure. A simple thing like taking them to the doctor has suddenly become too difficult.
I am also left with the doubt that I can handle it. I don't know if I have what it takes to be their primary caregiver. I don't know that I'd be as good a father if I had them all the time, and I'm afraid that I would start taking our time together for granted again. I am also, quite selfishly, not sure I'm ready to give up that freedom for something of this magnitude. I know that's selfish, but I can't help some of the things I feel.
The thought resonates in me, though, and it keeps coming back to haunt me. I know that in order to get custody there will be a host of things I'll have to do. First of all I'd have to establish a better residence than my shitty one bedroom apartment. Secondly, I'd have to figure out what angle to use to prove that they are better off with me. There are other things I think I would have to get in order and I keep wondering if now is really the right time.
For now, these are just thoughts that I am wrestling around in my head. All of this is based on how things go from this point on. But everytime this happens, I wonder if this is the moment that it's going to have to happen. But everytime it happens, she turns things around and things are good for them again.
I think I need to start preparing for that day, though. It may not be soon, but I think I need to step things up. I think I need to get things in order and finish the things I set out to do. Because I truly believe the day will come when I will have to step in and get serious about this.
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1. You'll never get custody unless she is consistently, truly damaging the children physically, mentally or emotionally and she is not. Instead of thinking about getting full time custody, why not make doctor's appointments yourself and take the kids yourself? That's what I would have done. Even as a part time parent, you should have a relationship with your children's pediatrician. You should keep his/her number on your person at all times. You should know how and when to schedule appointments and you should have your children's insurance information available.
ReplyDelete2. It's people like you who take their kids to the ER for ear infections that make the rest of us with true emergencies suffer long waits and enormous bills. No offense, but if I was your ex, I'd be pissed too. If you would have had to foot the ER bill, would you have taken her in that night? Or would you have waited until morning, when a pediatrician's appointment could have been scheduled?
1. There's something that it seems females don't understand. Not just you, but all females, but your first point sort of resonates the idea. So, I'll break it down for you in simple terms, and if you have other female type people you talk to, tell them too and help them understand as well and maybe we can start a movement.
ReplyDeleteAnd that fact is this: "Money doesn't grow on trees."
I don't have a tree in the backyard that supplies me with a paycheck every two weeks. My paycheck comes from the place I work. If I want to receive my paycheck, and actually have money on it, I have to GO to said work. Granted, they give me time to take vacation and sick days, but it's understood that you only do those sorts of things if you have to. Because, after all, I DO have to accomplish stuff at work (even if the pace is usually slower than other places), and in order to do THAT I need to be there, not taking leave every chance I get.
The child support that goes towards paying those medical bills (or the copays of the insurance) also comes from that paycheck. So, while I'm not opposed to "getting to know" my kids pediatrician, it's not something that I think I should have to take off work to do BECAUSE (listen to this part) she DOESN'T work. IF we both worked full time, then yes, I should take them half the time and suck it up. but she doesn't. She lives off the paycheck I give her every month and works only on the weekends that I actually have the kids (every other weekend).
And here's the rub (even after saying all that). I don't think I SHOULD have to get to know their pediatrician. All I need to know is that my kids are healthy and that they have their shots, and how to contact them if I have to contact them. I don't need to develop a personal relationship or even go to their appointments to do that. Something else I think that females have a hard time understanding. Which is fine, we are all entitled to believe in silly shit once in a while I guess.
On top of all THAT, I HAVE taken them to the doctor (and I go when I can). The last time she made an appointment for them, she told me to take them and that she would bring the kids to me to take them. So, I got dressed, got ready, sat and waited for her to show up. The appointment was at 6:30. She showed up at 6:15. Their pediatrician is 45 minutes away. If she can't do a simple thing like get them to me on time (when she volunteered on her own to bring them to me--I would've got them), then how can she expect me to take them to an appointment? How can I MAKE an appointment (on my own that is), when even if I DO go to get them, I have to wait 15 minutes when I get there for them to be ready (often times I end up helping her get them ready)?
2. I made the offer sunday night to take them monday morning. Or rather, since I am FORCED to work 14 hour days at work right now, my mom offered to take them. That was sunday. this happened last night, on Thursday. Her ear has been infected for 2.5 weeks. TWO AND A HALF WEEKS. Do you realize the damage an ear infection causes if you don't eventually take care of it? This wasn't something that just started happening. THis is something that's been ongoing for a couple of weeks now. And I have been consistently offering to make appointments, and she has consistently told me that SHE would make the appointment and failing to do so because she's too wound up in her own little world to do that right now (off looking for some dick instead of taking care of her kids needs).
And she doesn't have to foot an ER bill. What the hell? Our insurance covers that in full (well, we have to make copayments, but I am also required to pay half of ALL medical bills that the insurance doesn't cover). They are on my insurance plan, and it's all taken care of. So my going to the emergency room isn't affecting your payments at the ER because I actually have insurance to cover that.
My original plan WAS to make an appointment for the next day, but everybody that I talked to that night told me that I shouldn't wait for it. That I needed to get her to the doctor as soon as possible because of how long it's been going on. The doctor even made a comment that it was good that she came in because apparently it was pretty bad.
And last, but not least, who gives a flying fuck if she got pissed? I don't care that she was pissed. I think it's ridiculous that she got pissed, but I really could give two shits less how it affected her. If she was so pissed, she should've taken care of it (or let me take care of it) weeks ago.
Here's something that we all know men are notorious for not understanding:
ReplyDelete"Work" can be many, many other things that do not include driving to an office building and working for 40+ hours a week to collect a paycheck.
Regardless of this fact, I guarantee you that if you poll 100 women who work full time along with their husbands, 99% would tell you that THEY ARE THE ONES who must take time off of their precious work schedule and their precious paycheck to take their children to the doctor.
The rest of your comment is ridiculous backtracking.
On a helpful note, purchase a book such as "How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor" by Robert Mendohlson. This will be an invaluable resource if you are truly having problems taking your child to receive medical care.
I don't know how women would know what work is. Most of the women I know don't know how to hold a job for more than a few months, and come and go from them whenever they please, taking months off for themselves whenever they want (with or without kids). ;) Please, oh please, give me that life.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of my comment being backtracking, I figured a few extra details were in order because either:
1. You are a complete idiot
or
2. You didn't know the full details
And I know you're not an idiot.
But anybody who could be pissed over making a judgement call to take their kids to the emergency room, really needs to evaluate their parenting skills. I did what I thought was right for my daughter, and she showed up today, still hoarse, but in much better spirits. I make no apologies for what I did or how I handle this area of my parenting.
But you are right about one thing. People aren't meant to sit in front of computers all day long. I'll give you that much.
ReplyDeleteI got more enjoyment out of pushing carts than I do from my current job. Part of the reason why I HATE my job is because I want to be at least a LITTLE more active.
The guys who do the more physical work, though, make about half of what I make, and I'm barely scraping by as it is.
I obviously don't know your ex but this is just another example of passive-agressive game playing at the expense of the children. Work? blah....we can debate all day long on what "Work" entails but I'm over all the self-righteous stay-at-home-mom's on their soap-boxes about how their lives are so tough trailing behind little Johnny and Suzie all day long. You WANTED little Johnny and little Suzie because you "family planned" so get off your martyr kick about it. You WANTED to be a stay-at-home-mom, you got it, so deal with it. It IS a tough job, no doubt about it, even tougher when you do it alone like I did, but so what, life's hard. Most of those self-righteous mommys PLANNED to have this children they're claiming are so tough to raise....welcome to parenthood ladies.
ReplyDeleteDeadbeat mentality doesn't descriminate, it comes in many shapes and sizes and its its not reserved just for Dads. And your ex sounds like a deadbeat to some degree.
Unless one parent is privately wealthy, its just reality that MANY families need to be 2 person bread-winners. In an ideal world mommies could sit around eating bon-bons while their little angels napped and Dads are off suit and tie bringing home the bacon...but we're in a dog eat dog world with a shithole economy. Get a fucking job woman. But from the sounds of it, she's doing just what you said...she doesn't need to work because you're providing her income.
As far as making a judgment call on your daughter's well being and health, who gives a shit if she's pissed. The child is your daughter too and she's in your care and her illness had not been tended to for 2.5 weeks, you do what you felt was necessary. You sought out some second opinions beforehand and the consensus said, ER. Fuck it....yay for being a responsible parent...shame on anyone frowning on that. Chrimony. Plus more game playing with the gloaty phone call during the pick up of the kids...WTF is that? More game playing.
As far as the custody deal...Short of actual physical abuse and/or neglect, full legal custody is unlikely for either parent. Generally speaking they lean towards the mother in court custody battles unless there's extremely special circumstances. Even getting supervised visitation is unlikely unfortuately. They're happy kids, and being generally well cared for and are with her the majority of the time. You have no known paper trail of neglect or abuse as ammunition which they would require. I tried all that with my child and my ex had been sited for possession of pot and didn't have transportation or a residence, yet they still gave us joint legal custody and me sole physical custody...which doesn't mean shit when it comes down to LEGAL. I wasn't granted supervised visitation even though he had the beginnings of a drug record...so its a tough road custody is. While the prospects of having them full-time sound a bit daunting perhaps you'd consider an arrangement that allowed you to have the kids a bit more evenly half and half or something...then you'd have a bit more supervision of what's going on in their lives.
While your statement about not needing/wanting to know their doc per se sounds a bit ridiculous, its fairly realistic. I don't know of ANY family who splits that arrangement...not to say you shouldn't know who the doc is but given the visitation arrangement and the fact that she doesn't work it makes perfect sense she shoud be the doctor taker.
Anywho...good luck with all of that....I wish I could say this dynamic gets easier as they get older but really it doesn't..its just a new set of challenges and dynamics as time goes on.... :hs: