Hers and His

She crawls up on my lap and looks up to me. My heart melts. She smiles. I smile.

She lays her head against my chest and watches TV.

"Are you my sweetie?" I ask.

"Yeah. I your friend."

I smile and look at the TV. I think to myself of her sweet innocence, her slightly exaggerated bossiness, woven delicately within the kinks of her insecurities, fears, and sadness. I watch her cry and it's my eyes that tear up. I watch her laugh, and I feel joy. When she's angry, it's my face that's flush.

We clash. I yell. She yells. She turns away and is no longer my friend and I say "fine."

Moments later she's back on my lap and the process starts again.

I worry about her. I worry about the things she'll face. I worry if she'll be ok. I worry about the sick freaks that are out there who would lay a hand on her.

Behind her eyes I see a wave of fluid, not tears, but a fluid of change and adaptation. I watch her grow and evolve; I watch her attention change on a dime or her incredible stubborness and again...I smile.

****

He barrels right past. He's got one thing on his mind. I reach for a hug and am met with resistance, but I coax him into it. He turns his back to me and leans back. I flip him around and tell him to hug me right, and he sighs with impatience.

He runs to the bed, flips on the TV, puts in his game.

"Come watch me," He says.

I cringe slightly, but eventually oblige.

He plays and his man dies. He yells at the screen and I tell him to chill out. He plays again and dies again. He hands me the controller.

"Do if for me."

I shake my head and hand it back. "No."

"It's too hard!"

"Be harder."

He throws a fit, and I sit in silence and wait. Soon, he picks it up and does it again and he wins.

"I'm proud of you." I say with a smile. He beams like the sun.

Behind his eyes is a single path. A rock. There is no wavering. He wants it done his way or no way. He can't understand why the world doesn't bend, and I can't tell him. I watch him and I see strength. I watch him and I see the seeds of a large oak, still a sappling, waiting for its time to bloom. I see a boy trying to figure out the world...I smile.

****

Sometimes it feels like an eternity. Each day without them takes a little more strength to endure. Each day I don't see their face, is a day that's lost in the annuls of time forever. The moment they come through my doorstep, I shower them with hugs and kisses and affection for I know that our time is short. These days will never come again and I want to enjoy them to their fullest while I can.

Sometimes I get so angry at them I can spit. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I do things I shouldn't. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we are silent. But there is always a connection. Always a bond there.

I am their father. I love them. I miss them.