For the Love of Work

I've never really made it much of a secret that I hate my job.

Well, hate is a pretty strong term. Like most jobs, it has it's good points and bad points. Interestingly enough (and I've mentioned this in the past), the job I have is a pretty gravy job. I *should* have no reason to complain (I really don't) because the job I do is relatively easy, stress free, has great benefits, and, while the pay isn't as great as it could be if I went somewhere else, it's still decent for the area that I live in. My boss is a good man. He has his flaws, but for the most part I really like him and the people I work with.

So, whenever the wave of discontent hits me, I feel down on the inside that I am just being a whiny, immature little kid about it. I actually feel guilty for not liking my job (weird, I know) because I know that the perks of the job are perks that I would be hard pressed to find elsewhere...which is part of the reason why it's so hard to just walk away.

Lately, I've been forcing myself to find some level of contentment within it. In a way, I believe that if I can at the very least come to terms with the job, and learn how to be content with it (not happy, just content), that it would be a pretty powerful life lesson. If I can succeed in something I hate, there's nothing I can't do. The patience required to come to that place would be a powerful quality to have.

So, I've been working on fixing the areas that I lack in. For an example, I've been chronically late ever since I've started. Usually only 15 minutes (give or take) late. And that stems from the fact that I just don't want to be there. So, in the past, I found myself avoiding sleep on the weekdays, because I realize that by going to sleep, that when I wake up it means I'm going there. So, it's been nothing for me to be awake at 2 and 3 in the morning when I have to get up by 7 to get there on time. But, lately, I've discovered how to beat that, and it's been a wild success. A small experiment I started back in December *finally* has taught me the way to be on time. Instead of getting up right when I have to leave, I have, instead, borrowed an hour at night and have been going to bed at 10:30/11:00. Instead of setting my alarm for 6:30/7:00, I have been setting it for 5AM and have become quite the morning person. And, for the week before Christmas and the past 2 weeks (3 weeks total), it's been successful. I've been getting up at 5 AM with little trouble (here and there I struggle), able to enjoy the morning a little bit before I have to go to work. I've even been going in an hour early.

It's amazing how getting up long before I have to be at work has affected my attitude towards work. No longer is going to bed a huge dread for me, because I know that when I wake up, I'll have time for myself now and not immediately be going to work. This, I think, is the big change in why actually getting up earlier is easier for me. It's because I no longer associate waking up with going into work, thus, I actually LOOK FORWARD to getting up at 5 AM. Who would've thought that something so radical would be so helpful? Who would've thought that that would work? I know I sure didn't.

But that's just one example of one hurdle that I've managed to cross while working here. And today is my 8th working day in a row where I've successfully not only been on time, but early. So I feel proud of myself for that. I feel proud that, what I thought, one of my hardest "battles" (the desire to sleep and stay up late) is now becoming a thing of the past and I am changing because of it. And I imagine that I am healthier for it, because I am no longer stressed out in the mornings, racing to work, cussing traffic, etc. to get there. It's a peaceful time where I can smoke cigarettes and watch the news (something that I rarely have time for). Eat breakfast. Take a shower. Dear sweet mother of Jesus that makes me sound old, doesn't it? lol

Anyway, I didn't intend to go off on that tangent, but alas I cannot take it back now. I rarely edit my blog posts before posting them, and I'm not going to start now.

The reason I gave you all that back story was to prime you for what is going to be a small rant--so you'll understand that I at least recognize that I've got it good and am not taking that for granted. I really don't. I appreciate that things could be a lot worse. A LOT worse. So, don't get me wrong.

But, as of today (or in the next day or so), the gauntlet is coming down. We've been warned about it for about a week now, but the day is vastly approaching. We're about to get HAMMERED with work. Work that needs to be out in a very short time. Thus, and here's my bone of contention, extreme overtime. We've been allowed to work 20 hours overtime this week (I'm only shooting for 10 right now) if we want to, which is great because I need the money. But, next week, that number might increase drastically. It may even get to the point where I get up, come to work, and by the time I get home all I'll have time for is going to bed and sleeping.

Saturdays are also looking likely, if things get too bad. The only resolve that I have, is that I won't work during any time that I get my kids. I'll fight tooth and nail against that. But aside from that, I'm going to be living to work for the next couple of months.

And I find myself really frustrated at the idea. I definately could use the money from the overtime, but in the same vein a big part about why it's hard to walk away from this job is that it's one of those jobs that allow you to have a life outside of work. You get 40 hours a week and you can be done. No pressure. No deadlines. None of that...until now.

But the intersting part is, that we just came OFF a time where we had pressure to get work out. We spent the last two months of LAST year fighting to meet deadlines. And that's my point. As more and more time passes, I see an increase in the amount of pressure. I notice an increase in the demand for overtime. I notice that, if the current trend of the past year continues, that it's very likely that my 40 hour a week gravy train is about to be derailed.

Boo fucking hoo, right? lol

I actually see this is a good thing. The job has been so good, that until now I haven't been able to motivate myself to leave, but the parts that make me hate it have created this love/hate thing with it, where I have no good reason to hate my job, but I do. This makes me tense and frustrated, because I look at how good I have it and thus it makes me guilty to not be happy where I am at. So I force myself to stay where I am at because it's just comfortable enough to keep me content, even if it breeds phases of extreme discontent.

Now, I see the day approaching where those perks are slowly disintegrating and becoming a thing of the past. Now, I think, I can have a legitimate amount of pain to working that it might be enough to force me out and not feel guilty for it.

BTW, I'm no stranger to work here. I've had a total of 13 jobs in my life, and starting working when I was 12. If I didn't have a job at all, I would go nuts because I have to stay relatively active. I think I'm looking more for something to get my moving again. Something with a little challenge to it.

Ok, this post has just been one long, boring ramble, so I'm gonna end this post. I just wanted to work out some of the shit that was rattling around in my brain and get it out there. Now that I have, I can delightfully say adieu.

Peace